ON THERAPEUTIC PAIN
In the process of opening Templum Aedis, I've been navigating a flare up of a back injury that I have had since 2019. This flare up is reminding me how much my physical health (sixth house) has impacted the ways I engage with and think about the third house in astrology. Much of this third house work began around the time I was offering Cadent Spaces as research consults and preparing a lecture for the 2020 Fresh Voices in Astrology Summit on Care Work & Disability Justice and how they relate to the 3rd and 6th houses.
Yesterday, I went to see my acupuncturist and he offered me trigger point therapy to help me get some relief. Myofascial trigger point therapy involves a series of techniques that connect a particular pressure point to the root of referred pain. The technique Bill was using is one in which a practitioner (or even a patient - if you know what you're doing, you can do it on yourself) presses firmly with their fingers or fist into a trigger point to get an associated muscle to release.
This technique, as Bill described it to me, is commonly used for muscles that have tightened around a nerve or group of nerves, which can send painful signals throughout the body. For me, the nerve pain extends down the backs and sides of my legs. Often the tightening is a subconscious protective mechanism, the body trying to ensure we don't experience further pain. Sometimes this pattern of muscle responsiveness actually causes more harm, because when the muscles are so tight, it prevents the root issue from popping back into alignment.
Usually the practitioner will need to hold the position for a few minutes, gradually increasing the acute pressure while the muscle tightens and tenses until it can no longer hold the force at bay. This process is extremely painful just before the release when the muscle clenches as tight as it can and begins to twitch.
Yesterday I received about twenty minutes of trigger point therapy on five different muscles. As the first one released, I cried out in pain - in community acupuncture (meaning there were people in the next room over trying to relax). Ensue my shame spiral:
how embarrassing
i must have a low pain tolerance
i would not survive if i had to birth a child
gosh what a baby
people are probably concerned something bad is happening in here
did the muscle even release?
Thanks to all of the work I've been doing prepping Templum Aedis, I realized quickly how harmful, untrue and unproductive these thoughts were. And I began to think of Artemis, lunar goddess of childbirth, deliverer of and protectress from pain, and one of the gods whose myths we'll be focusing on in the first week of the course.
It takes incredible diligence and focus to be with pain.
These moments are the reason we practice. Ritual is something we do when things are good, when things are just OK, and when things are bad. We do the habit-forming of life as ritual when things are good and just OK so that when things get particularly painful, we intuitively reach for what will help us through.
Ritual creates pathways of familiarity that help divert us from pathways of self-sabotage.
Ritual paves avenues of restoration we can refer to in moments of upheaval.
Ritual polishes the ice so we can work our way up to the triple axel without getting caught in a basic crossover.
Yesterday, trigger-point therapy reminded me that I actually have an obscenely high pain tolerance (and thanks to my acupuncturist Bill for affirming this). The reason I have this high of a tolerance is because I have been regularly engaging with ritual for eight years. I spend A LOT of time being with emotions that are difficult. I spend a lot of time dwelling with pain.
Whenever we do trigger point therapy, Bill reminds me to tell him if the pain changes from therapeutic to invasive. If the pain is invasive, it is causing harm. If the pain is therapeutic, it hurts so good - or at least you can tell that it's good for you. In Templum Aedis, we will be practicing cultivating capacity for this kind of discernment. We will learn to distinguish between thoughts and emotions that are invasive versus those that are therapeutic.
There is a difference between obsessing and meditating.
There is a difference between hypervigilance and intentional channeling.
There is a difference between spinning out and carving a clear path through.
With the former, there's lack of awareness and presence. It’s a hyper-active mis-attuned preoccupation with the pain that doesn’t actually change it.
With the latter, there’s a particular kind of focus of care. And I want to reiterate that the kind of presence that we are going to be cultivating in Templum Aedis is deep presence - the kind that enables us to be with some thing - really be with it - long enough and in a way that transforms the thing into something else.
Long enough for the muscle to release.
Long enough to unclench our grip.
Long enough to control less and direct more.
This is a very specific form of surrender. It is not without agency and it embodies incredible power.
It requires help.
It insists on knowing how and where to reach for it.
It demands knowing how to receive support.
It is surrender which entails collaboration. In Templum Aedis, we will practice tending the relationship between us and the thing(s) with which we are dwelling. We will invite other people, practices, practitioners and insight into the temple with us. We will each move at our own individual pace, but we will not have to do it alone. I am very excited about the relationships that will be formed amongst course participants (myself included) as we share experiences, ideas, challenges and breakthroughs with one another.
If you would like to join Templum Aedis, there are a few spots left. The last day to register for the course is Tuesday, June 20th. You can learn more and join the course here.